Pardon me, while I take issue

I'm sorry, but I take serious issue with people who are not from Kalamazoo, Michigan - writing about Kalamazoo. I concur, it's a fun word and easy to rhyme with things, but that shouldn't give any Tom, Dick or Jackass the right to well, write about it.

I just purchased a wonderful book for my niece (don't worry, she can't read yet - so the surprise won't be spoiled on my blog) and it's about attending a party in Kalamazoo. There's lots of weirdly colored animals (the true sign of any children's book is things like pink elephants and purple giraffes)... anyway...

The book is cute and since I purchased it in a locally-owned bookstore in my lovely hamlet of Kalamazoo - I assumed it was written by some local fellas.

Uh, negative.

Two freaking Jersey boys went and wrote a book about Kalamazoo. Like they've ever been to a party in Kalamazoo. Like they've ever visited Kalamazoo. Like they've ever had a layover in Kalamazoo.

My point is this - before you get to lay claim to the linguistic wonder that is "Kalamazoo" - you better have put your time in like a good Midwesterner. You better have experienced four honest to goodness seasons. You better have suffered through potholes that put you nearly a grand in debt (a nod to my new friend, O). You better have lived through lake effect snowfalls of 14"...on the second day of Spring.

Yes, there really is a Kalamazoo and until you have had the opportunity to both love and hate it - why don't you set your books in Trenton, boys.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

There are little dreams - like imagining all the lights on the way to work will be green so you don't get a nasty look from your boss.

There are big dreams - like one day owning your very own Kitchenaid mixer without having to get married, just so you can register for gifts.

Then there are the uber-dreams - like the kind where you are someone who can sing. And by sing, I do not mean pretend you are Madonna in the car.

I'm talking about the kind of singer who gives you chills. The kind who doesn't need synthesizers to sound good. The kind that is brave enough to stand up in front of as many people who are willing to listen, belt it out and be met with cheers.

It's not that I lack the bravery (just ask all the friends I coaxed into talent shows over the course of my life), but I actually lack the talent. (Poop)

And ain't that just the kick sometimes? There are dreams you can do something about (like find friends who have spouses who work at Whirlpool and can cut you a discount) and there are dreams that will always elude you.

And I gotta say - that makes it absolutely essential to do everything you can do make the possible dreams come true.

Oh yeah, if you're done listening to my little droning - check out some real singers.

Sick Day

I'm sick.

Pretty gacky sick, to be honest.

So it's been me and my new best friend, Mr Pepto Bismol for the better part of two days now. It's pretty miserable, actually. And to reference my last post - it's one of those days when you wish your mom was there to pour ginger ale, warm you some soup, run out for saltine crackers and make sure you don't leave the sofa, except to use the bathroom.

But in the midst of my stomach trapeze act, I am warmed by a single thought - like a handmade quilt...

I am not at the Cube Farm.

I would rather groan on the sofa with Immodium and Chamomile tea than to sit at my cubicle and watch the big dog pace back and forth, checking for chairs that are not completely pushed in. (yes, I ended that sentence with a preposition. I'm sick, dammit, cut me some slack)

Anyway, I am going back to curling up on the couch and clutching my Pepto and drifting off into sweet dreams of far off lands without cubes. Where workers roam free through the fields of offices with doors and hour-long lunches. And in the background - no buzzing of florescent lighting or bells dinging to announce when you can get up from your seat. No - there will be music (hell, even musack) and days filled with the dream of meaningful work.

Zzzzzz......

Three Servings of Vegetables a Day

I used to have daydreams of what it would be like when I was finally a "grown up".

At my tender age of say - 14-ish, "grown up" meant living in my very own apartment with no one telling me to do my homework.

Some 20 years later I'm not so sure I want to be a grown up.

Sure, my parents no longer tell me to do my homework. No, no - now complete strangers tell me when to do my work and just how to do it and what I'll wear while doing it and at what speed I shall walk in the hallways and how much lighting I'll have to do my work and when to eat and when to go home. Just for starters.

And on top of that, no one is giving me an allowance for cleaning the bathroom or straightening up my bedroom. And no one praises me for doing the dishes. And no one reminds me to take out the garbage before it starts to smell a little funky.

Plus no one is making sure my alarm is set for the morning. And no one comes into my room and gently shakes me when I sleep through 6 "snoozes".

There's no one picking up the tab at the grocery store for those extravagances like mouthwash ($5.49) and cold medicine ($6.23)

Not to mention - there is absolutely no one making sure I eat my recommended daily allowances of the basic food groups. And since I just hate the store, my cupboards remain full of items with the longest shelf lives.

So until I win the lotto and can hire me a full-time mother on staff, it's up to me clean the toilet, do the dishes, wake up on time for work, remember to get my hair cut on occasion and eat three servings of vegetables a day.

Thank god for V-8.

A Kook for Queries

MB sent me this survey and you know I can't say "no"...

1. When I'm drunk, I tend to.....
Drunk dial

2. Shots or beer?
I hate needles, so we'll go with beer

3. Do you have a drinking buddy?
If you're my buddy, we drink

4. Do you get angry?
Only when I get kicked out of bars

5. Do you puke?
Two times ever. The first on JELL-O shots. Yeah, there's always room for JELL-O, especially after you make all kinds of room by puking your guts out. Who needs a small intestine anyway?

6. After 7 drinks who are you?
The girl serving tequila shots out of a Pepto Bismol cap (sorry MB)

8. Tequila does what to you?
I'm solid on tequila. As long as it's the good stuff ;-)

10. Vodka makes you?
A damn fine mixer for Cherry Coke

11. Do you smoke when you drink?
I'm "smokin'" when I drink, but I think you're asking something else

12. Do you pass out?
My number? Occasionally.

13. Do you drink girly drinks?
Nope. I leave that to the boys

14. Do you drink alone?
Not generally, but I did drink a couple over-priced beers on the 18-hour trip home from San Diego

15. Worst drink you have ever had?
I had a HORRIBLE dirty martini on my bday. What don't they get about olive juice?

16. Do you play drinking games?
Yes please. Can you say hysterical?

17. Favorite Beer?
Guiness, Oberon, Old Speckled Hen

18. What is your favorite shot?
There is no "favorite" there is only "is there a beer bottle I can spit this into?"

19. What will you NOT drink?
Whiskey. It's ruined for me. Ex-boyfriend used to smell like it frequently. Nothing like frenching a bottle of Jack Daniels

20. Are you a lightweight when it comes to alcohol?
I wish. No, I can hold my spirits

21. Do you ever drink bacardi silver?
what is that?

23. Do you like frozen drinks?
Nope - slows me down

24. Do you drink liquor straight?
RARELY

25. Do you ever drink out of the bottle?
Uh huh - can you say TAILGATE!!.

26. Are you drunk right now?
No, but with all this snow, I'm tempted.

27. Do you consume more than 2 alcoholic beverages on daily basis?
Would I admit it if I did?

28. Do you drink a lot of wine?
Oh dear lord, yes

29. When's the last time you drank?
Thursday. Wine. Tiaras.

30. Name someone that will repost this drinking survey-
Taylor might respond

31. Ever been streaking while drinking?
Skinny dipping count?.

32. Hot tub/pool naked because of alcohol?
Oh wait, see above

33. Failed any college courses due to alcohol alone?
You can't prove that!

34. Ever woken up & said "Dude where's my car?"
No, but I rarely say "Dude".

35. Ever carried someone up & down the same flight of stairs due to their drunkness?
I might consider dragging someone up and down the stairs by their ankles, but only to amuse myself.

36. Puked in a friend's car?
Oh thank god, I can say no. But I did have a friend in H.S. puke in my car. Potpourri Carpet Fresh is forever linked to the smell of vomi