The Invisible Woman

The Cube Farm has many quirks and foibles and while most of them irritate me to no end - a few of them are funny enough to make up the difference. I’ll postpone delighting you with our cost-savings measures that include unplugging our computers at night and turning off all the lights for an hour each day. I'm all for diminishing the whole carbon imprint, but when I can't see a sheet of paper I'm supposed to proofread from the hours of 12pm-1pm - you gotta wonder about the anti-effectiveness imprint.

Anyway - what cracked me up today is this. There is a boy at work who I am pretty sure has a crush on me.

The reason I'm able to Magnum P.I. my way to such a conclusion is, well, I attended grade school. The Boy is exhibiting some textbook playground behavior. And while he hasn't pushed my down and made me cry yet - some adolescent flirting has been going on. By this I mean - he ignores me.

I know what you're thinking - "Uh, loser, he's ignoring you because he doesn't care if you breathe in and out." But he's ignoring me to a level that is almost embarrassing. He's ignoring me so much that I can't help but smile and laugh as soon as he passes me.

My desk recently moved into a Cube Annex, which is just on the other side of the wall as my fellow office-weenies-at-arms. This puts me in a much different locale, which happens to be in a locale closer to The Boy. Two significant environmental factors have increased the level to which I see The Boy. 1.) The bathrooms are 1/2 way between our two desks and 2.) The crappy coffee machine is right outside the door to his office. And since I am a woman who is addicted to caffeine and because caffeinated beverages are the root cause of my need to urinate - well, I see The Boy a couple times a day at least.

It's odd that The Boy and I are not friends. We have friends in common. I often chair meetings of which he is in attendance. And now we're practically neighbors. And yet still, avoidance.

Friday, he dubiously ignored me as I addressed him by name and excused myself for reaching near him to get a 32oz. beverage cup which I then filled with diet Cherry Coke (another addiction). And today, as we passed (him on the way to the bathroom, me on the way to the coffee machine) he very carefully averted his eyes the nearly 10 yards from the time I was able to identify him as The Boy and the time we passed. Seriously, I kept my eyes up and focused the entire time, just to see if he would look at me and nothing. I may have actually begun my smirk before he passed, so sadly, he may now think I'm making fun of him. Which I guess I am, so it's a fair assumption.

I'm not 100% sure why The Boy is ignoring me, but naturally there are a few Theories:

1. He's madly in love with me and doesn't know how to tell me
2. He's madly in love with me and is afraid he'll lose his job if we date and inevitably break up
3. He's madly in love with men, has sensed my elevated perceptiveness and is afraid I'll narc him out to the boys club
4. He thinks I am a sorceress and if he looks directly at me I will cast an evil spell on him
5. He knows that I know he's a Lions fan and is too ashamed to make eye contact (little does HE know, I'm a Notre Dame fan and don't shun those who blindly bow to the alter of sketchy football teams)
6. He knows that my longest relationship lasted just over a year and he doesn't want to become the next "EDH's ex-boyfriend"
7. He thinks he is too tall to date me (little does he know this is the one thing I do like about him)
8. He's afraid that I'm the sort of woman who would irrationally buy a motorcycle (or worse yet, would ask him to ride bitch)
9. And while I doubt it with all of the Jessica Fletcher, Charlie's Angels, Magnum P.I. instincts I possess - maybe he can't stand me and would rather look at his steel-toed boots than at my face.

Regardless, it's made for some excellent fodder and if it happens to be Theory 1, 2 or 6 - well, yes, it's encouraged me to dress a little snappier over the past few weeks and even test out some new perfume (not that you can smell it over the machine oil on the way to the Cube Annex). All this, so I can torment some poor, hapless Boy who had the misfortune to develop a crush on the sadistic likes of me.

Yeah, Theory 4 isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility....